Into the mind of the Ingenue

Paris deserves a pristine slate!

2008-08-04T14:26:13Z

Bella Ingenue is moving on to chic-er and stylish-er things! Lol.
Keep up with me on http://bellaingenue.blogspot.com/ as I prep for Paris and bring you all the latest straight from the City of Lights itself!

Mwah!

Why i've been hiding.

2008-08-03T09:18:35Z

There is a reason why I have been writing on my Friendster blog for the last month rather than on this blog. And I guess until today I really didn't want to admit to myself why I chose to write there when I know most of the people who ever really cared about me read this blog.

I wanted to make parining to a certain someone. He has long since deleted his Friendster account or deleted me as a friend or blocked me from ever seeing him online but there's always been this part of me that wanted to show off what I have now in the hopes that he'd look me up once in a while. I know it's horrible, in fact it's downright vindicative but the funny thing is that since he voluntarily disappeared off the face of my cyber network it's been doubly hard. Why? Because some twisted part of me relished the fact that he knew I was having a good time, that I was ok without him. And on another level I guess I resented the possibility that I was being classified as 'the ex-girlfriend who I pretend is dead or never existed." I mean, come one, aren't we all sane ADULTS here? I know it was a highschool relationship but aren't those exactly the ones that we look back on and laugh about? We're SUPPOSED to anyway.

Being figuratively deleted from the addressbook was something I never thought about because I always maintained the willingness to be friends with people I've dated and we're all good, if not still friends then at least we're civil. But this? It's like who am I? Godzilla girlfriend? Am I so bad that he's forced to totally pretend I don't exist? Or is he that immature? I've never mentioned this before because I was pretty mixed up. A friend of mine (you know who you are dear) once talked about moving in the same circles as her ex. It is hard. What's worse, when you live in a small town people talk. I feel like in the time I've been back here in Iloilo there's this dance going on called 'try to keep them from crossing paths.' I don't even know why I care.

Perhaps the explanation is I've already met my boyfriend's ex and I had fun with her. I like her even and I would wanna be better friends with her. Sure in the beginning I was worried and watched them like a hawk but in the end I knew things were totally ok between them. I guess what I want is to be able to sit across the table from my ex and his girl and (as Gwen Stefani sings) 'know we're cool.'

Maybe I'm just being selfish and I want this for my own peace of mind because I hate being ignored or thinking that somewhere out there someone is willingly pretending I don't exist. Still, it does smell of immaturity. And there are plenty of adults out there who are still acting like pikon kids.

So there. I don't wanna keep making parinig. It's just too immature and one less childish person in this world is a good thing. He can do what he likes, for my part I know my door's always open for an adult conversation and good relations.

The French Student Visa Guide

2008-06-17T14:43:55Z

So after months of planning and emailing and calling and document-gathering I finally made it to the French Embassy yesterday. The entire experience was not exactly comfortable but I don't think anything worthwhile ever is anyway. However I know many people who are stumped and nervous about going for interviews and since I gathered a lot of useful information from websites and online forums I thought i'd give back a little by describing my own experience so that others will have an idea of what to do when going for a visa interview.

First of all I had my documents ready the week before my interview. I emailed the embassy to request for an appointment at the earliest time possible (which is usually between 8-12, Monday-Friday for the French embassy). I sent the email out Friday morning and got a reply back the same day at 2 p.m. A man from the embassy called me and asked if Monday next week was ok and I said yes. It is important to note here that I made sure I did not get the 8 a.m. slot (he first suggested that I take the 8 a.m.) because as a student- visa applicant and I needed to be interviewed by the French attachee of academic and cultural affairs before going for my interview with the visa section. I emailed the attachee about my schedule and asked if 8 a.m. would be a good time to meet since my inetrview was scheduled at 9 a.m. and I knew she wanted to see me an hour prior to my visa interview. I didn't get a reply that day or over the weekend so I was a bit worried but I decided to go early to the embassy anyway and just ask for an appointment or further instructions.

I spent the weekend organizing my files and photocpying everything and having photographs taken. As per the advice of my French uncle and aunt I arranged all the documents in the order enumerated by the Student Visa Requirement document I was sent months before. It is also better to paper-clip documents together rather than staple them since the embassy may want to photocopy them and it annoys personnel (according to my uncle) if they have to unstaple the papers. Thus the only documents I stapled were the ones that had continuing pages that might get mixed up or lost (e.g. my application form which was 2 pages long and bank statements that were 3 pages or more). I made 4 photocopies of everything and arranged them all in the same order as the originals, even going so far as to put Post-It notes on the different documents like "Birth certificate", "Personal Bank Statements", "School Diplomas" etc. Why 4 photocopies? 1 for me, one for the visa section, one for the academic attachee and one just in case (I'm OC and like to be well-prepared).

i put all the documents plus the originals in large manila envelopes and got a clear plastic binder to put in my passport-sized photos and the cash payment for the visa processing. it's CRUCIAL to have more than the estimated amount for the payment because currency fluctuations can change the rate of exchange as you will see when I describe my interview later on.

Anyway after a stressed and nervous weekend I was up and about at 6 a.m. on Monday morning and making sure I had all my documents. Plus of course you MUST, MUST, MUST be well-dressed. I was in a cream-colored turtleneck, black pencil skirt and heels with minimum jewelry and just light makeup. It is just the way of the world that people who dress better make better first impressions, especially in this case where you want the embassy to believe you have enough money to travel and not go TNT. However, don't go over the top and layer on the bling and (fake!) designer bags because the embassy personnel (especially the Filipinos working there) may think you are haughty or "feeling." Actually just go business casual and you should be alright. Slippers, ratty t-shirts, sleevess, spaghetti-straps, tubes and torn jeans are certainly not the way to go (more on this later).

I arrived at the embassy at 9 a.m. (an hour later than my planned arrival at 8 a.m.) because traffic was horrible. Thankfully when I reached the embassy and asked if the attachee was aroudn because I had emailed her for an appointment they informed me that Madame (as I will refer to her from now on) had not yet arrived and I shoudl wait maybe 15 minutes. I ended up spending 30 minutes sitting on the carpeted floor (yes FLOOR) of the corridor leading to the visa section with about six other people waiting for relatives or friends who were inside having interviews (only visa applicants are allowed inside the visa section). After about 30 mintes a woman called my name and ushured me inside the main office complex of the embassy. To get in you have to be buzzed in by security or have an access card. The Frenchman who was in charge of security was so very, very friendly and charming (no snooty French here!!!!) as he asked for my ID and told me to switch off my phone. He also asked if I spoke French and I responded (in French mais bien sur) that I spoke only a little. With a smile and a wave of his hand (and a merci beacoup from moi) I was led into the office area where I was told to wait and browse a few magazines while they told Madame I was there.

After 5 minutes in walked a young, beautiful (and tall!) Frenchwoman who introduced herself as Madame and smiled warmly at me (again no snooty French here!) She showed me into her office and apologized for not responding to my email last Friday because she was on leave. LESSON FROM ME: Call AND email because you aren't sure if the person you are writing to has access to him/her email. At least the phone is faster also. Anyway after the preliminary pleasantries she asked me basic question about who I was staying with, what I wanted to do after school in France and asked for some documents (both the original and the photocopies). After about 15 minutes of chatting and intermittent typing she asked me to fill out some student info forms, told me I was cleared to go for my visa interview now and then walked with me out of the office. The charming Frenchman at security smiled as he handed me my ID and said "salamat!" and of course I smiled and thanked him as well.

On my way to the visa section i dropped by the informantion window and thanked the woman manning the booth for her time (just as a courtesy, it pays to just be polite to everyone) and went to the washroom before heading into the visa section. Now here is where I shall elaborate on dressing well and being kind and courteous. The first thing I did when I walked in was just smile and politely ask the guard for info or what I should do once inside (best to be prepared before walking in the lion's den). He gave me a number and told me to wait until I was called and then just to go to the front of the room. With that and a smile he buzzed me through the heavy glass and iron doors of the visa section.

And voila. About a dozen people sat in rows facing a glassed-in enclosure (much like prison haha) from where three Filipinos ( a woman and two men) were talking through speakers to the applicants across the glass divider. I waited for about 30 minutes before one of the men called me and SPOKE TO ME IN FRENCH. For whatever reason (je n'est sais pas pourquoi) so I just replied "Je suis desolee je ne vous comprende pas" (I don't understand you) and he switched to English. He asked for my original documents and photocopies of the originals and asked teh same questions Madame asked me, plus additionally if I had a passport that showed I had travelled. THIS is where I mentally kicked myself for my stupidity because I had not thought it necessary to bring my old passport which showed I had traveled to HK and China in the previous years. The embassy likes to see that you have traveled before because it makes them more confident that you will come back and not go AWOL in a foreign country like sadly so many of our citizens. Anyway I could do nothing so I just said sorry I did not bring it and he said I would have to be processed as if I have never traveled before (minus points for me for that booboo). He also said that I had to have pictures with a WHITE background not a blue one so I had to go down to the ground floor and have myself photographed in the rush photo booth. After I got my new photos I went back up and waited to be called again.

In the two hours I was waiting to be called I saw how different people are treated differently based on appearance and demeanor. There was an Iranian couple applying for tourist visas to France and dressed pretty ok in smart casual, also a mother and daughter team that arrived well-turned-out and they got good treatment, so did the other people who dressed appropriately. However there was this big man in baggy jeans, a baggy t-shirt, socks AND sandals (wearing socks AND sandals is just wrong, period). He was grumbling and snorting his impatience most of the time and I could see the visa personnel did not like him much, especially when the man's name was called and he didn't hear because he was ASLEEP. THAT got the man an annoyed and dirty look from the visa guy. There was also a woman who had a French boyfriend/fiance/husband and he did most of the talking and was dressed well while she was in plaforms, tight jeans and spaghetti straps so thin you could see her bra and (since the bra wasn't a strapless) her bra straps were showing. The Frenchman of course got all the attention and his girl just stood there mute and (to the visa person) practically invisible.

To be fair the personnel were very impartial and professional and even my efforts to be pleasant and friendly did not garner much more than indifference from my interviewer. But that is all part of the professionalism and training they must have, one can't be too friendly nor chatty so it's up to us to just be as nice as possible so that the people on the other side of the glass will be nice as well. Far from being nice for a visa, I've found that a smile and asking nicely just gets things done faster and makes everyone feel better (I learned this from my Mom who is just amazing and can be polite in the face of utter rudeness, she's a saint I promise).

I finally got my passport back at around 12:30 p.m. and the visa guy stamped something on my passport, asked me to come back in a few week's time to claim the result of my interview and to bring travel insurance good for one year. And that was that. I was free to go. The guard at the entrance smiled at me and said goodbye and I boarded the elevator with everyone else.

So that's that. Months of stress and work and nervousness all boiled down to that morning at the embassy. i get my results in a few weeks. I hope I get that student visa. *Prays*

So some tips to cap it all off:

1. Come as early as possible. Even if my interview was at 10 I'd still want to be there at 8 a.m. (when the embassy opens) because the earlier you are the earlier you get to be interviewed. Towards lunchtime the people get harassed and might be hungry and grumpy already. Plus I observed that around 11 o'clock more than dozen people all walked in together (sort of like a lunchtime rush) and it was very hard for the staff to conduct interviews and to hear names because of the noise in the room. Coming early just makes the whole process faster and more relaxing, especially if you're like me and needs to see more than one person.

2. Call and CONFIRM. It is important because the people's schedules may change or they will not arrive until later in the day (like what happened to me) since they think they do not have an appointment. Letting people know when you plan to be there ensures you will not have to wait long or that your entire schedule will be wrecked.

3. Have multiple copies of yoru documents and arrange them in order. A woman who I rode in the elevator with was also applying for a visa at the embassy and she was telling us how the visa staff reprimanded her for not having her documents in the proper order. It may not seem like a big deal to soem people but for staff who have to process hundreds of papers a day it's just better to save them the trouble and arraneg stuff properly. If the first item listed is Visa Application followed by Birth Certificate then Bank Statement by all means arrange them according to that list.

4. Post-Its were a bad idea. DON'T put Post-Its because it's just more unnecessary paper (my bad). DO paper-clip instead of staple items together.

5. HAVE PHOTOS WITH WHITE BACKGROUND. Apparently only the Philippine passport peopke want you to have blue backgrounds. Internationally WHITE is still the standard and definitely the French embassy's. So if in doubt have two pictures taken, one in blue and one in white just to be sire.

6. BRING OLD PASSPORTS. This would have been plus points for me if I had brought it because it shows the embassy that I have enough resources to travel out of the country and also that I am coming back and not gonna stay illegally in a foreign land. They also like to see which countries you visited because it shows whose requirements you have passed. My cousin's student visa was granted almost instantly because his passport showed he had a valid US tourist visa.

7. Go business. Wear your smartest outfit. This is not the time to be sexy and show cleavage or wear body-hugging jeans that show panty lines. Guys at the very least should wear a polo shirt and nice slacks and leather shoes. NO ONE shoudl wear slippers, no matter if they are 800-peso Havaianas OR 8000-peso Marc Jacobs. Besides, it's cold inside the room and your toes will turn blue. Go easy on the perfume and makeup because some personnel may be allergic to your cologne and start coughing or getting a headache. Piling on the makeup just makes you look weird and maybe different from your passport photos so it's best to just do light makeup and definitely NOT too much jewelry. Nobody wants to be distracted by 5-carat dangling diamond earrings and the personnel may think you are trying too hard. As my French uncle said, "be humble." Don't look like you just came off the farm because they will doubt you have money BUT don't look like you're wearing yoru entire jewellry collection either. Nobody likes a show-off.

8. Be nice, nice nice. Who cares if the visa personnel is rude or brusque or indifferent? YOU can be nice and pleasant. Kindness goes a long way in imporving someone's mood. The Frenchman at the security stop in the office and Madame were very friendly and smiled a lot so that eased a bit of my anxiety and made me loosen up a little. Just be nice and it will pay off.

9. BRING EXTRA CASH. I mentioned earlier about exchange rates and for visa processing it's very important you have enough money to cover in case the rates go higher. Also bring small bills because embassies usually prefer exact amounts. While I was waiting for my interview a woman was stressing out because she needed to pay for her visa but she didn't have enough cash on hand so that was more time wasted as she went out of the building to find an ATM. Another woman also needed the exact amount and had to have her 50-peso bill changed and I actually had enough in 20s and coins to help her out so I did. She was very grateful and happy when she passed by me on her way out. Apart from being nice, helping other people in need just makes you feel good that you helped abother human being right?

10. Pray. I still don't know if I will be granted the visa or not, nor will I make assumptions but once you have done all that you can do God will do the rest.

I hope others will find my experience helpful for their own forays into the 'visa wars' as some peopel call it. Haha.

Three months to go.

2008-06-08T03:59:52Z

Yesterday I met a lot of old friends at Mag:net while attending the White Bananas' gig. They were awesome as always (love you guys!) and it was so much fun. But I think as far as eventful goes.. it was what happened after that really got me thinking.

Yas was there since we have mutual friends and it was so nice to see her again right before she delves into the law school world. It's funny how our paths take us in so many different directions, sometimes directions we don't even expect to take. Who would have thought the president of the Comm organization of Ateneo would give up advertising for law? But we got to talking and her reasons for leaving are the same reasons why I don't want to even get into the industry. In my four years at Ateneo I've seen so much and learned so much but as a lot of people have said... your course doesn't define your career path for the rest of your life.

One of the first things people ask me as a fresh grad is "are you working already?" and when I tell them no because I have plans of studying abroad they nod in understanding. When I mention France they go "oh my gosh that is such an awesome opportunity!" Indeed it is and I wish with all my heart the hardships and trials I have been going through to arrange my visa will have been worth it when (God-willing) I am there. Everything is ready except for one requirement but this requirement has me calling and contacting every single person I know who could possibly understand what a certificate of permanent money transfer from the Philippines to a French bank account is. I've said it so many times I memorize it already. But here I go plodding on, despite the frustration that has been plaguing me ever since this whole thing started because no one knows exactly what the heck that certificate is. But anyway... we will find a way... truly it is in these times that I turn to God, when everything seems to be empty and I'm grasping at nothing but air. My only hope is that I do indeed get this requirement done and that I can make the deadline for the visa interview and application.

But assuming I do make it to France... Indeed a whole new world will open up to me. For all of us fresh grads new opportunities are starting to come to fruition, opportunities that we may have been eyeing for a long time or surprises that just come out of the blue. I'm sad to say I haven't done a good job of keeping up with a lot of my batchmates since graduation and that I didn't know Sab was leaving for the States in a few days to try and make a life there. But seeing this and knowing we are all literally standing with the whole world open to us makes me really scared. To be honest I don't think I will come back from France the same person. Well that is like an accepted reality. But in the greater scheme of things... I want to be more... I want to find my place so my life will fall in place (haha echoes of our high school graduation when we sang this sng bring tears to my eyes.) I don't want to abandon my country and certainly I don't have any intention or desire to be an illegal entity or a TNT in any foreign nation... but I want to be outside... go out into the world.. Somehow I have a feeling the Philippines is not where I am supposed to start just yet.

And yes I am paranoid that maybe French Embassy spies are tracking down my weblogs and such. Which I don't know if they do but it's an interesting, albeit scary, possibility. Well I have nothing to hide anyway. After France... I'm going to make my own way in the world. I am doing everything I can to make sure they know I am coming back to the Philippines or going to seek my fortune in another land and not going rogue in their country. I'm just there for the language, culture and learning experience. If opportunities present themselves thanks be to God.

So.. some friends have already gone, others are already on their way to leaving, and some will make their lives here. None of our choice or directions are better or worse than another's. It's just very interesting and weird to see my fellow Blue Eagle hatchlings finally spread their wings and start to fly. I know we will go separate ways and our lives will be our own.. but for one brief moment in time we were one, we were together in one place, one school, and I wouldn't give up that time with them for anything in the world. I hope that down the road we'll all meet up again and we will be happy, successful and fulfilled with the direction our lives have taken.

Good luck to all of us starting on a journey... it's the one that will last a lifetime.

bella_ingenue @ 2008-05-12T20:13:00

2008-05-12T12:25:45Z

I have an appointment with mother's high school classmate/ lawyer/ EU trade ambassador and I'm wondering just how much longer it will take for my papers to come through. A few days ago (last Friday to be exact) I put in a phone call to the NSO to have an authentic copy of my birth certificate delivered to the house. Apparently it will take until next week at the most and after that I have about another week to go before the DFA authenticates it. Apres that I can tick one more piece of paper off my list of "papers for the embassy." Not to mention I still am waiting on my French residence certificate from my foster family in Paris (those papers will arrive by late May according to Tante) and the family business/corporation financial statements which will prove my family has enough moolah to keep me alive in the City of Lights for a year or more. Oh and I have yet to find a French bank which has a branch in the Philippines (BNP Paribas is the only one I know) and open an account there and guarantee I can deposit more than 400 Euros to that account from the Philippines every month (in layman's terms... my parents are required by my visa application to send me a P30,000 allowance every month when I am in Paris-- Luis Vuitton bags here I come! ;P Yeah right my mom would kill me). I had hoped to be in Iloilo by late May/ right after our return from Baguio but the way things are going right now seems more like I will be saying "bonjour Iloilo" in June.. or something. I just hope time flies. September is so far away yet.

And May 18th... mine and Nick's one-year anniversary. Also the same day my dear childhood friend Kiera's daughter is to be christened. And she asked me to be little Sandrine's ninang. But I'm supposed to be leaving for Baguio on the 16th. Cry. :( I really want to go and be a ninang but I also want to go and spend time in my beloved Baguio since I haven't been there in two years plus my cousin V.A. is coming back for his summer vacay after a year in Arizona. Actually i'm doing it just for V.A. really. if he wasn't coming I don't think I'd pass up on Sandrine's christening. I feel so bad thinking I have to turn it down. Maybe I won't, maybe there's still another way. But sigh... I really don't know. One thing's for sure, I have to see Kiera and her now-growing family soon.

And sigh... yes I miss my boy very much. Very, very much indeed.

Caveman Posture

2008-04-24T13:07:36Z

Yep, another day gone and bored. I'm realizing now I should probably have gone home with my parents when they left for Iloilo instead of staying here in Manila and getting bored out of my mind. At least there I would have been able to ride every day if I wanted to (heck, i probably would have lived in Fiam for days) and defintely gone to the beach or something. Ok so a reminder to myself why I should stay in Manila.

1. We're going to Villa Escudero on Saturday. I can't really see the big deal (yawn) but whatever, new place. Yep boredom makes me surly too.

************(ok trying not to be grumpy)*************

2. We're going to Subic (finally!) over Labor Day weekend and hopefully staying there for the rest of the week. I kinda feel dumb because I thought we'd go to Subic as soon as Mama arrived from Iloilo (like THREE weeks ago) but apparently not....so I got stuck here twiddling my thumbs asking "are we going yet?"

3. For the sake of my French visa I want to be near the center so all documents can be gathered and processed in the capital.

4. It's lonely at home with just the folks. But then again it's boring here even with everyone in residence.

5. I have no more reasons.

Bored. BoRED. BORED. And nope, because of said out-of-town trips, I can't take regular classes (cooking and painting being my top two) or brush up on my language skills at Alliance because I'd have to be absent for days and days. Yes, it's official, I know I've definitely grown up
when I'd rather just get away from (some) of the family rather than spend months on end with them. Speaking of family, I haven't seen my Tita and Tito at dinner in like two weeks, looks like I'm not the only one wanting space from this cramped house. Lucky them, they can have date night every night.

I wish I could.

Counting Down to the Journey

2008-04-23T15:41:43Z

    After months of preparation and debate and countless hours of information-gathering I'm about 25% done with the exodus to France. Why 25%? Because so far I have done the following:

    1. Chosen a school.
    2. Applied to the school.
    3. Got accepted to the school.
    4. Received the paperwork from the school.
    5. Contacted the Embassy and received requirements and forms.

    Now the gathering of documents for the Embassy begins and by May I will be standing once again in that lobby waiting and praying and hoping I'm granted a visa. I know I'm probably overreacting to the visa thing but when you get a shot at Paris you want to make sure everything comes through.

    I know a few months ago it was with a really heavy heart and buckets of tears (it still hurts sometimes) that I said goodbye to the U.S. option. It would have been good and I would have been happy I know but deep down inside I knew 'they' were right and Paris holds a much better opportunity in it's tree-lined boulevards. I believe God's hand was truly in it because no matter how hard I tried to push and pull my fate towards America things just didn't seem to jive, whereas one offer after another just kept dropping at my feet for France. Sigh.

   The hardest thing about letting go of the States was knowing that I wouldn't be with people I know and loved, i wouldn't be in my comfort zone. Getting and MA or a fashion degree is easier than voluntarily walking into France and going "Bonjour! Je suis arrive!" sans a good command of the language or any idea what I'm going to do after I learn French anyway. If I went to the States I already had a set path I wanted to follow (school, then look for work, be independent etc.) but one year in France is truly all about the whole world (or at least the country) open to me.

     To someone who knew what had to be done up until college graduation this feeling of "anything goes" now is disconcerting. It's rather like a train that all it's life has been on one set of tracks and suddenly the tracks split up into different directions and the itinerary disappears. It's freak out mode.

     I don't know what will happen in France and after France. I'm spontaneous with the small stuff but I take the big things really seriously. I don't like not having an idea of where I'm going and what I want to do. But I think it's good for me. Most people have called it soul-searching, taking that time off after school to just refocus and readjust to life after integrating the lessons learned over a span of nearly two decades of formal schooling.

     Well it's high time i went on an adventure and France is France and Paris is Paris. I just hope that after my time there life will have changed in some things but definitely not in others.

     One thing I absolutely LOATHE? "Oh you and your bf are long-distance? He's in the US? You'll be in Paris? Maybe you'll find some hot French guy!" Ugh. As if I haven't heard the Iloilo-Manila version of that before. t's just plain rude and inconsiderate of people to judge relationships and assume that French men are better than Filipino or whatever. Must be the Westernized colonial mentality thing. Or the reputation of the French as lovers. Whatever. Long distance is hard but nobody should ever judge anyone else's relationship no matter what the nature is, unless it's abusive or destructive. So there, yeah, I'm venting because I think too many people are guilty of this (personally I try not to commit the same sin because it really sucks to be on the receiving end.) And just because a long-distance love is as such doesn't mean it won't work out. Props to a couple of my good friends who have been in years-long relationships across continents (one couple is now married and the other is going strong.) I hope Nick and I can follow the example. And no, it wasn't distance that killed my last serious relationship, we just weren't compatible anymore. Haha issues. Anyways back to France!

    Here's hoping and wishing and praying that things go ahead as planned. I have several months yet until September (yes, sooooooo long I know but that's when school starts) so here's to killing time and being a productive bum until then!

So what do you do after getting that diploma?

2008-04-05T10:57:37Z

    Almost two weeks after graduation and I'm still looking at life in the face with one thing in mind: I really don't know what to do now. Getting a job is of course one option, but there are several other options one can look at. Most kids don't do much soul-searching after graduation either because they can't afford to or because they're lucky enough to already know what they want. But for the rest of us who don't fall into either category the question about what to do now that there's an excess of time and shortage of cash just about sums up life.

     I think it's especially worse for people who kinda know what they want... but don't really have the means to get it or, in my case, know what the best thing for me to do is but not liking it a lot. It's moments like these where phrases like "patience and things will come to pass" and "God has a plan for you, just listen to Him" really give the human spirit comfort.

    It's not easy waiting that's for sure, it's even less so when it seems like the whole world is passing you by and friends and classmates are getting jobs, going off to graduate school or at the very least make a conscious choice to "just be a bum for a while." Maybe this is what some friends mean when they say "you'll wish you were still in college." College is a comfort zone, someplace where all you have to worry about is getting good grades and dreaming about that perfect job. Some are lucky enough to actually be working towards their futures already while still within classroom walls.. but some are just plain clueless just yet. It's not bad one way or another, it just is.

    I know all us grads will find our way eventually, some sooner, others later, but we all will. I guess this impatience is still the not-quite-grown-up part of me that's still whining "Now na! I want it now na...*pout*" But I also still want to hang on to that childish part of me that continues to dream of that perfect job and that perfect life.    Dreaming of perfection like that isn't stupid, it's sensible. I think that's one thing we're all in danger of losing as we get older. If all little boys who dreamed of being firemen lost their enthusiasm for playing a hero we'd have no more real-life heroes. If Galliano wasn't at Dior fashion would be a little less awesome. And if Bryanboy never blogged the Philippine celwebrity scene wouldn't be as entertaining (you know you love him...)

     To dare to dream is easy, to hold on is much harder. So what do we do after getting that diploma? Keep on dreaming... and never lose it. Change it, modify it, do whatever, but still have a dream, or two, or three or 65 million. We'll achieve at least one in our lifetime. So what does this have to do with that college diploma? It's a temporary license to be a bum. But even better, it's a fancy piece of paper that opens doors. It's not the ONLY door-opener, but heck, it sure makes things a lot easier. And we've worked years for that gold-stamped sheepskin. Use it, don't waste it.

    ***Ok that last part was a bit melodramatic, obviously I'm bored/ frustrated. *Sigh*. Come on Paris, don't be so hard to get to... I seriously have a love-hate relationship with the French school system nowadays. Argh these creators of the UPX school website, I KNOW you take pride in your language but must EVERYTHING be in French? Not even a teensy course translation for us Anlgophones? *Sigh* I'd apply much faster if I knew the specifics of that degree in French and American Law (hint ,hint). ;P

bella_ingenue @ 2007-10-11T19:25:00

2007-10-11T11:56:08Z

Every time I see Star Jones- Reynolds I'm remembered of Ma'am Valdez. And thesis. And hell sem. Thank God I survived. This sem was by far the most brutal, bloody and tearful in my entire life as an Atenean. I hope next sem will be much better. And I just want to pass all my subjects. Just pass. I just wanna pass so I never have to look back and do thesis again. Gah. Enough said.

In other news...meaning news that actually happens in LIFE (that thing I USED to have before thesis)... yesterday catching up with old friends, even just through text, proved to work wonders. The myriad vicissitudes of life (SEE I USED IT JON! :D) really do surprise me at every turn. Talking about the love lives of several friends got me wailing yesterday to my darling boyfriend about how some of my friends are actually getting married already, at such a young age! And his response? "It's not about the age anyway, there's no template for marriage." I realized then I was being quite hypocritical because I always used to be so outspoken about people not judging the choices of couples and here I was dissecting someone else's choices. Trust my levelheaded beau to screw my head on straight again.

That of course lead my sister, who was with us last night, to make bug-eyes and exclaim "oh my God you're not getting married already are you?"
To which Nick turned to me and said teasingly "you wanna get married next year?"
To which Stef then demanded to know "who's your bridesmaid gonna be!?"

Apparently I'm not the only one entertaining thoughts of the veritable knot-tying. Or maybe this is just the effect of the wedding buzz that's been going around since July. Blagh... thinking about that right now makes me kind of queasy. Then again it could be the peanut butter I had for merienda. Ah wedding bells.... please just not right now.. I need to hear graduation speeches first...

Life After College

2007-08-13T13:17:53Z

It's August now... seven more months until graduation in March. I don't know if my batchmates are starting to feel restless about life after college but I sure am.

I used to think my life was pretty set: graduate, go abroad for a bit, see the world, then come back and settle down in the Philippines. But in the last few months I've begun to question exactly what it is I want to do and become. Within this month a good friend will be leaving for China and my beloved cousin (who is more like a brother to me) will be flying off to make his life in the US. This got me thinking... what do I really want to stay here for anyway? Aside from family, friends and security it's pretty much still going to be the same corrupt, struggling piece of land. But it doesn't mean I don't love it because I do... it's just not exactly the most opportunity-friendly nation.

I'm lucky to be born into surroundings that have enabled me to live a pretty good life, indeed it's probably better than 80% of the rest of the Filipinos in this country. And that's what I'm starting to have a problem with. If I wasn't lucky enough I'm sure I'd be screaming "America or Bust!" and trying to get away from here as soon as possible; but as luck would have it, here I am... knowing that when I graduate jobs will be pretty ok to come by since I'm from Ateneo. This is not being egotistical, it's just a hard fact of life. heck, the whole reason why people want so badly to get into the top schools is precisely so they can land better jobs after graduation.

The appeal of getting out of here is mainly so I can stop being the princess locked in the tower room. My friends who know me know what I mean- the rules, living conditions, hassles and difficulties of living where I do is but a small manifestation of the control that my life will be under if I don't get out. I can see it now... when I start working my grandma will still give me hell for coming home late from a party, screaming because of the gas bill of my car (which I hardly use anyway but she uses it as an excuse just to prevent me from driving at all), telling me not to take the LRT because it's dangerous and basically being overly strict and impossible. That's what grandparents do, especially old-fashioned ones. I accept that, it's who they are, but it doesn't mean I have to live with it. The whole "you follow my rules because you live under my roof" thing gets really old, really fast. And there just comes a time in every young adults life where you. just. gotta. get. out. Just go out and grow up without the family's 24-hour eye on you. That's what I need to do.

After college I want to be a bum for a while. I think it's essential to growing up and getting ready for the working world. Most people I know who jumped right in are now grumbling about how they wished they could have taken time off before putting their noses to the daily grind. And most of the bums I know now hate being useless so they want badly to get off their behinds and work. In order to love working, you first have to hate being lazy. So that's what I'm planning to do: get the bum out of my system before passing out my resume.

Now whether to be an aimless wandered in Iloilo, Manila, California or Paris is going to be the question. My mother's insistence that I "get the hell out of this country so you won't be so provincial" is one I'm taking to heart ('provincial' here meaning 'go see the world and get yourself cultured so yo won't be an ignoramus'). Again, I know I'm very blessed to even have this option available.

College is over in (if everything is on-schedule) less than a year and what to do after it is a reality fast approaching. The time for dreaming and speculating is over, the time for planning is now.

bella_ingenue @ 2007-07-23T11:48:00

2007-07-23T04:45:31Z

Over a meticulously decorated slice of walnut turtle pie dessert yesterday afternoon Des and I were discussing celebrities and relationships.

"I never have celebrity idols, but if I did it would definitely have to be Victoria Beckham," I said as a prelude to a topic about Posh and Becks. "Do you think her relationship with David is genuine?"

"Oh yes," Des replied without batting an eyelash. " she's very, very blessed there."

"Mmm," I agreed, relieved that she also shared my opinion on the subject. "They seem to still be all over each other even after almost ten years of marriage."

Indeed, when so many celebrity couples wedding and then warring a few years later it's a big risk to invest oneself in saying "I love (insert name of celebrity here)." In my years of being a follower of pop culture I've come across people I admire and whose careers and lives I've followed as a matter of personal interest and blatant curiosity. There have only ever been a handful of women that have held interest for me: Nicole Richie (the whole weight loss thing/ she's short like me/ morphing from sidekick to star in her own right), Reese Witherspoon (how can I not be when she looks like me or I look like her or whatever) and Victoria Beckham, whom is the oldest and dearest targets on my celeb radar.

Being a child growing up to the tunes of the Spice Girls, and with Posh Spice as my favorite, it's very nice to see that her life after the band has been even more colorful and glamorous. Of course, the fact that she married David Beckham and has three gorgeous boys and appear to still be very much in love is inspiring, especially since they are, after all, in the glare of the media limelight that speculates when the breakup will be the second a wedding has ended. Ever notice not ONE tabloid ever says "And we wish they would stay together forever?" Of course they won't! Breakup stories are an even bigger seller than the hook-ups! That is why I have to give a hand to the Beckhams for not only still living on Cloud Nine (in a $22 million dollar mansion no less) but for showing little-girls-at-heart like me that sparks can still fly after so long.

Which, speaking of sparks, is what I sadly missed during my time in lil' ol' Lilo. Like I told Des, "It's weird being back because it always used to be like I was in Manila but my heart was here, now it's the other way around, I'm here but my heart's in Manila." I'm an old pro at long-distance, but believe me, it's not something I would like to ever go through for long periods of time; tramping all over the metropolis with my boyfriend's hand in mine is something I will never take for granted.

Incidentally, tramping to the hair salon is something my darling Nicholas and I do in sync even when we're islands apart, as last Saturday proved. Apparently as I plopped my behind on a chair in Stretch all ready for Pepoy (the only stylist in Iloilo I trust with scissors near my hair) to modify my look, my (so much taller) counterpart was also having his own locks sheared off back in the big city. It's quite funny since I remembered the last time I had my hair cut was also the day he showed up with a new 'do at my pool party. Now if only I had the guts to carry out a Victoria-esque razor-sharp bob... Hmm... perhaps when I graduate and have the razor-sharp cheekbones to compliment the look.

bella_ingenue @ 2007-07-15T19:28:00

2007-07-15T12:56:53Z

I don't know who said it was good to be a June bride, but I think I'm definitely one month delayed on that schedule. It seems like July has been the month of weddings for me. This month I've bumped into three wedding scenarios: a wedding that is a bout to happen, a wedding that did happen and sadly, a wedding that didn't happen.

On the "luckiest" day of the century July 7, 2007 (7-7-7) I was at Christ the King in Green Meadows watching Justin's choir perform (it was a spectacular show, I had goosebumps on my arm almost the entire time from the heavenly voices of the singers). Unfortunately, it was the sad news during intermission that Tin delivered that proved 777 is NOT everyone's lucky day. There was a big wedding to be held that day in the main chapel of CtK and it was a prominent and rich family that was celebrating the nuptials when, in the middle of the ceremony, a woman burst in and started screaming that the groom was already married-- to her. Needless to say the whole thing just exploded in everyone's faces and the poor bride left in tears and hysterics. To this day that still haunts me because, as Nick said, "man... that's the kind of thing you think only happens in movies." How the bride-no-more wishes I'm sure.

On to happier topics though, I just got the fabulous news that my Tita Michelle is finally getting married on January 25 next year to her longtime-beau Manong Chippy. I say finally because they have been together since my cousin Nikki and I were in 5th grade so that's roughly eight years together, although it could be more and we're not really sure but who cares right? They're finally getting married. Finally. Yeah, I just had to say that one more time. I wonder who will be in the entourage; last night while at God Earth with Nikki, Nick, Kris, Yani and and assortment of friends we joked about brides and bridesmaids and I quipped that I had always been a flowergirl but by the time I was old enough to be a bridesmaid everyone had already been married-- so I will probably be the bride and never the bridesmaid. That's not a bad thought actually... I wouldn't mind. But that's for later.

Third, ah yes... Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's wedding. What can I say? It's French, fabulous and the in historic old buildings, it's enough to make a girl swoon.

All this makes me think about my own wedding someday. As little girls we often dream about a big white wedding and marrying Prince Charming and living happily ever after, but when we grow up we suddenly realize, hey, there IS no happily ever after because it's just a start to another chapter. There was this book I saw once, The Princess and the Frog 2, where it told the story of how the princess and the frog-turned-back-into-a-prince got married and then got divorced anyway. Has the world become so jaded that we have to screw up the fairy tales that make our childhood so rose-colored? Or are we merely stating the truth and hoping kids will learn at an earlier age that life ISN'T all that romantic anyway?

I beg to differ. In the world of celebrities (because I'm a busybody like that and anyway I just finished watching Entertainment Tonight) David and Victoria Beckham still seem to have the raging inferno that is their lovey-dovey phase of almost ten years. It's nice to see couples so malambing with each other and show the strength of their affection in a world that is just waiting for the next big breakup.

Putting this all down into real-world terms? Oh I guess I'm just mulling over my own very happy state of the relationship address. It's been almost two months and I'm more in love than ever. Hmm.... I think I'll dub last week the official "Nick meets Trish's friends week" because last Friday I took Nick to the ACOMM GA where he met my blockies and I thank Tina for complimenting me on how I looked like I was blooming that day (thanks sweetie you're looking fab these days yourself!). And yes, it was probably obvious he was my boyfriend from way across the room. I couldn't even believe I blew him a kiss across rows and rows of what must have been close to a hundred people. Inhibitions being shed perhaps? Yes indeed. I never used to be that affectionate in previous relationships. I also introduced him to Madel and Christian when we went to La Salle last Wednesday and yesterday night we were out with my friends from Bacolod. It's also so nice to see his friends happy that he's finally with someone now, I love the look of disbelief on their faces when he introduces me and they're like "Duuude! No way!" But I'm the lucky one. It's true they say sometimes the best things are right under your nose, well in this case he just happened to be so tall it took a while for me to look up and see what I was missing. :) And yeah, I guess I was literally under his nose the whole time. Haha!

I've stopped counting but I think in the two months we've been together the longest I've not seen him was like three days or so. Sometimes I think God is making up for the long periods of time I went around without the significant other in my previous relationship. The past is past and I can say it helps me appreciate what I have right now. No one can ever take for granted seeing a loved one every day after knowing what hell it feels like to not be together for months and months. It seems whenever we go out we're always walking hand in hand or have our arms around each other. We never sit across the table in restaurants, always beside each other. We have one-second kisses in public and don't care who sees us. We even make our other friends groan in reaction to our saccharine sweetness. I think I'm about to make a couple of people sick right now reading this (eh Saf? :P You're going >.< now I can see it!) Haha! But like I said...you can never take for granted something you now have that used to be denied you.

bella_ingenue @ 2007-07-08T11:18:00

2007-07-08T03:34:17Z

Eva and Tony finally married... how sweet! I can't wait to see the wedding photos as soon as they're released! :)

I have issues with the whole Tony-Eva thing simply because they're so close in stature to Nick and me and I find it so charming when I see her look up at him and it's like "awww we look like that too!"

I absolutely adore my guy (who knew I could fall in love like this right?) and it's probably also why I'm still trying to find a birthday present for him even after his birthday was three days ago (Happy Birthday darling , I love you ^^). It seems to me nothing is deserving of him because he is the most amazing guy on the planet, really. And alright I think I'm making myself eyebrow-raise right now because I don't usually say stuff like this-- ever. But now I do. Haha, that's what love does I guess. :D

bella_ingenue @ 2007-07-01T21:45:00

2007-07-01T14:03:52Z

    For someone who was never really a Transformers fan I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. All month I've been hearing people speculate on how the movie would fare in bringing to the big screen one of our generation's beloved cartoons and even hearing a few threats on the director's life if he didn't do the film justice, fortunately for him he did a rocking job with the material.
    I always judge a superhero/ comic/book-to-silverscreen rendition by how faithful it stayed to the original medium and/or how well it translated the plot and explained the background for the viewers who've never read the Harry Potter books for example or wasn't that into DC comics when they were kids. Happily I was oohing and ahhing along with my super Transformers fan of a boyfriend and definitely was awed by the graphics and special effects, and most importantly I actually got the story and didn't have to bug him by asking who was what and what the background was all about. So props to the peeps who made the movie, it was worth every penny (Php 200 for reserve seating on opening day but hey, love never says I have spent enough ;P) of the very expensive tickets and much much more.
    And oh yes... I love that Krispy Kreme now has a Greenhills drive-thru. Thank goodness no more Fort runs at 10 p.m. when I'm feeling crummy... and time to watch people come out like roly-poly bouncing balls from all the sugar hehe. :P

bella_ingenue @ 2007-06-29T11:58:00

2007-06-29T04:01:28Z

Kudos to my dear friend Jonry for his published review of HIgh School Musiclal. :) So proud of you Mr. Deps!

Check it out! http://www.pep.ph/guide/825/Riding-high-with-High-School-Musical

bella_ingenue @ 2007-06-22T07:52:00

2007-06-22T01:39:54Z

Four days ago Nick and I celebrated our one-month anniversary as an official couple. It was a Monday (which means WoW raid night) and classes were over for the day so we celebrated by eating an early dinner at Tender Bob's before zipping back home in time for us to kill the last boss in Karazhan. Haha, WoW will always be a special thing for us no matter what.

It's been only 30 days but it feels like it's been forever... probably because we've been friends for almost a year before we became a couple. Funny how the friends-to-more-than-friends cliche materialized for us yet I wouldn't have it any other way. He was there when I was still getting over my ex, he was there when I was crushing on another kabarkada and he was there as I started to fall really, really hard. So many stories have been told about the quiet, unassuming, invisible guy in the corner watching as the girl he likes goes off with another guy and thinking "I wish it was me."
While I was obsessing over Mr. Hottie I barely even talked to Nick, and if indeed I did it was only to ask about something in WoW. He was just there in the background as I began to realize that Mr. Hottie was just a spark and not the steady flame I wanted. I am so thankful he wasn't discouraged that my initial attention was on someone else and that he was there to hang out with me and just be a friend because in the end it turned out to be the best thing that's happened to us both.

The funny thing about being in relationships as we get older is knowing that eventually you're going to have to think about "what's next". In our case we have a year before we have to start thinking about after college. Of all people I should be the most wary about things like this, after coming from a relationship where everything seemed all set, but I can't help but want to plan; big dreams when, as Nick laughingly said, "I'm just waiting for us to have our first big fight." Yes, we haven't gone through any major bumps yet but I'm happy that we're already prepared to work out whatever comes our way.

Here's hoping we have a lifetime to go through bumps together.

bella_ingenue @ 2007-06-13T14:29:00

2007-06-13T06:29:20Z

Dialogue from yesterday’s Tribo Tuesday:

Someone: So you guys killed Prince?

Someone else: Nope… 11%

Nick: Oh that sucks man… why?

Kro: *AHEM* Well… let me see….. Our rogue had to go to sleep… we loaned our mage to OC2 for the week… and our star warlocks? (looks pointedly at Nick and me) Busy sucking face.

*Everyone bursts out laughing*

Nick: What what what???

Me: I’m sorry! All I heard was STAR WARLOCK!!! (by this time the laughter is so loud I can’t even here myself talk anymore)

Apparently our prolonged hiatus from WoW has caused unrest among the guildies, so much so that I am really raring to get back in the game, not only because they are wondering where we are, but also because DPS needs us. And so ok I’m very flattered Kro considers me one of the star warlocks (awww…. /blush).

Funny thing also when I went into Thesis class this morning the first thing Kor asks me after hello is “You have a boy???? The guy in your YM pic? He’s cute!!!”

Hehe yeah… Nick is cute…although at 6’2” I’d rather say he is very, very, very cute.

I rather feel like Tony Parker (who’s 6’2”) and Eva Longoria (she’s 5’2”) sometimes but hey… I’m not complaining! It’s fabulous. And when I introduced him to my parents all Mom had to say was “Wow he’s so tall!” and Dad was all “hello”. I’ve come to learn that when parents don’t say negative things about their daughter’s boyfriend they actually like him. And the clincher? My dog absolutely loves him.

Obviously I'm gushing. Wow I'm gushing.

bella_ingenue @ 2007-06-09T10:29:00

2007-06-09T02:48:18Z

Cute/weird/funny thing that happened last night:

Manong Hen, Nick and I were walking back to Nick's car after watching Ocean's Thirteen, we were discussing the merits of the movie when a pimped-out car with obnoxiously loud speakers and a deafening muffler slowly drove past us. I rolled my eyes at the black monstrosity and said "I am SOOO not impressed...ugh." Decked-out rides are cool and I love The Fast and the Furious franchise as much as the next person but honestly...egomaniac much?
Anyway after we dropped off Manong at his car and only the two of us were left in the car I realized Nick seemed pissed off. "That guy just said something to me about you."
I looked at him, puzzled. "Huh? He did?"
"Yeah, when he drove by us. You didn't hear it?"
"No, I didn't, what'd he say?"
"Nice catch."
Oookay.... nice catch. Should I feel flattered? Or insulted? I asked him as much.
"I wanted to punch his face in," Nick replied. "You're not a fish."
I laughed. "Well...darling that's exactly how women view men...as fish!"
He raised his eyebrows at me. "I prefer to be a puppy dog."
Awww..., I stroked his cheek. "You are hon... a really big puppy dog."

:)

Another day at the high-rise

2007-06-08T03:51:33Z

Another day at work and in the past two hours I’ve done the following:

Checked email
Written emails
Texted my friend
Texted my boyfriend
Looked for Quick Jump (the company my cousin works for)
Found job offers at QJ
Browsed through other jobs at websites
Seriously considered applying for one of the jobs at QJ
Emailed another cousin about the job and also simply to alleviate some of my boredom/attempting to look productive
Read the latest WoW news on QJ
Visited TMZ.com
Watched an episode of Cooking Master Boy on Youtube
Watched a WoW video on Youtube
Watched another video on Youtube.
Watched my favorite Atkins Switcher video on Youtube
Visited my guild’s website
Typed up my class schedule for next semester
Color-coded my schedule for last semester
Added details to my class schedule
(is it obvious I’m bored yet?)
Written this LJ entry

Thirty minutes to lunch time but I’ll prolly just wait until my cubicle mates up and eat as well. Hmm…must also retype resume to focus on my writing skills if I am to pass it to QJ for that job offer. With my current class schedule I have large blocks of time free which I can definitely use to earn me some extra cash and credentials for when I graduate.

Yawn… six more hours before the long weekend and hopefully a dinner and movie with Manong and Nick.

bella_ingenue @ 2007-06-07T22:23:00

2007-06-07T14:47:51Z

Three posts in one day. All on different topics. All pointing to one thing. PMS. Ugh. Obviously my content has as mercurial a temperature as my mood.

So now I'm obsessed over finding May Andersen's slip-up video in the Dior Cruise 2008 runway show AND looking over the nice stuff Mom and Stef brought back from Europe (a dynamite strapless bubble dress is my fave, I can't wait to wear it to the next formal party- with boyfriend in tow naturally haha!). And oh yeah... trying to lose 8 pounds.
I've come to adjust to 92 instead of 90 again because really... 90 was so... 6th grade...there's gotta be more of me SOMEWHERE that wasn't there when I was 12. At least 92 is feasible (my regular weight before the South Beach sabotage diet and Gonuts and McDo bingeing). That's one thing that I haven't completely shaken off yet: my occasional tendency to binge on a. McDo fries b. Krispy Kreme (which replaced Gonuts). Happily though it's not like it was two years ago. And I will never go back to that crazy time. It's just too ugly to think about.

Anyhoo hmmm still wondering when either Nick will text or I will throw up my hands and text him myself. That's one thing about guys: they suck at text conversations. I expected as much from him anyway since I already knew he wasn't much of an SMS user but still.... duuuuuude.... you have a girlfriend now... Although I will admit I find hourly "I love you" messages a bit annoying (thankfully Nick's never done that) it's still a lot better than your bf suddenly not replying. But there you go... a little cold shoulder and the messages come in hailstorms. So now he thinks I'm mildly pissed off (which I kinda am) but since I kept saying "it's ok" he knows it's his cue to leave me alone for a while; this is so like WoW when I'd get pissed and turn off chat so that no one could talk to me. I'm glad he remembers that even now that I haven't played in about a month.

Ah the twisted female tactics... makes life a 'lil bit more interesting. Hmm... must log off now and put the poor boy out of his misery- either that or suffer another 30 mins. before he replies. If that happens... hello ice queen... So far he hasn't seen me be bitchy, mataray, or any of my hydra heads but he will eventually I'm sure. Here's hoping he's got enough armor on haha.

*You've been warned babe... ;P

bella_ingenue @ 2007-06-07T19:43:00

2007-06-07T12:16:42Z

I was watching Sean Combs' interview with Tyra Banks on her show today and something he said hit me like sledgehammer to the head:

"It's like someone else has your soul."

He was comparing his relationship with Kim Porter (his on and off girlfriend of 12 years) to his time with Jennifer Lopez and basically saying that, despite everything he's gone through and trying to get over her, he and Kim were simply meant to be. Now most people would go "awwww" and put their hands over their hearts but I definitely didn't. Instead I got that queasy oh-no-please-not-again feeling I get when I'm reminded of my ex. I avoid watching the last episode of Sex and the City because of the last scene where Big says "Carrie, you're the one." I also avoid watching Rumor Has It because once again that movie reminds me of my past, especially when the dad goes "Your mother knew that with Beau life would be one big adventure, but she chose to stay with me because she knew she could build a life with me."

It's not a normal get-over-your-boyfriend situation because hello! six years is a VERY long time. And regardless of what I think now I won't deny that we had something really special, and yes, I will reiterate, I was the one who chose to end that something special. So why do I still get sledgehammers to the side of my head? I really don't know. Maybe for the same reason Carrie still ended up with Big after Aidan and Aleksandr and Burger and Big divorced Natasha.

Why does it disturb me so much? Is it because deep down I feel like we'll really end up together and it's just a matter of time? Or is it simply because I relate too much and it's affecting my rationality? Or maybe because I just think it will make a 'good story' and I'm simply acting out my part to get the desired results? It's disgusting really, I don't want to have to go through all of this again. This is really, really messed up.

I frankly don't know where my soul is. My heart? Easy... behind five-inch thick bulletproof glass. And I know that when I say "I love you" to my significant other I do mean it... but he knows he doesn't have all of me. I know I sound maldita and all but it's true that I respect a man more if he's the one to bring me to my knees instead of letting me walk all over him in five-inch heels. Man I sound arrogant and obnoxious and too cocky for my own good. That's exactly why I need a man who can deflate that balloon.

And why do I think there is only one guy capable of doing that? Damnit.

*Slam head on table*

Bored at work...

2007-06-07T05:34:46Z

Unlike some of my luckier batchmates whose internships were described as uber fun, tiring but still uber fun, or ok lang and still fun mine is basically ok lang and boring. I don’t know if it’s because of the department, the work load (or lack thereof) or simply because I’m starting to realize advertising is really not my thing but it’s been four days and sadly I’m thinking of moving elsewhere.

Don’t get me wrong, the people are amazing and everything looks like a typical agency but I’m a workaholic… and I’m not getting work. The fact that I even have time to write is a sad indication that I have too much time on my hands; I feel quite useless really despite the activity going around me because I so much want to be one of the busiest bees around. I think it’s just because I haven’t been integrated that well into the system. Mostly everyone is busy doing their own thing and they don’t really need me to do anything, they just include me because I’m here.

Without a doubt people say Creatives is the liveliest department and true enough it is. I’m not the uber artistic type and I can barely draw to save my life so all I can do is look as the big guys go out every day presenting pitches and working with their super sleek iMacs (and I have no idea how to operate a Mac so that’s another point against me). Accounts is all about management but truth be told all I’ve been able to do is write up analysis reports on our clients’ competition and researching on whether a certain celebrity is a free agent or endorsing a product.

I know I keep going back to my ABS-CBN internship oh so long ago and comparing it to this one, but I really can’t help it. That was what made me feel alive, that was what I gave my life to for two months one summer (melodramatic but true). I want the adrenaline rush, the stress, the pressure and the activity. It wasn’t a walk in the park that’s for sure; I encountered bitchy co-workers, extreme difficulties, inhuman work hours and project after project after endless project- and I loved every damn sweaty, bloody, sleepless, stressful second of it. Or maybe I just like being a masochist. Either way that was one of the best experiences of my life and I’d do it over and over again (in fact I have! Haha! I’m always the unofficial on-call PA whenever I’m back in Iloilo and my boss needs a willing slave/ gopher).

So why didn’t I take an internship at ABS again? Two words: Summer class. Sadly it prevented me from leaving the metropolis and kept me from a lot of opportunities during the course of the summer as well. But maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to work again during sem break. It all depends on how things turn out. For now I’m sitting pretty in my own little corner of our shared cubicle trying to look productive.

If it’s one thing I learned about me this whole summer it’s the fact that I can’t stand not working at work. Most people would think that having a Miranda Priestly wannabe as a boss is sheer hell… but if I were Andy I’d be in heaven. Seriously. I’m a Runway Clacker wannabe through and through. And yes, I’m also working on getting work at a fashion magazine.

bella_ingenue @ 2007-05-24T09:45:00

2007-05-24T02:04:44Z

So.. I'm alive.... I'm alive after 18 hours of online registration. And I'm pretty happy about the schedule, it's not so bad. Actually it's pretty ok. I just hope I never ever have to do anything like this again. Please, please, please Ateneo can we just go back to our old, less high-tech but ultimately faster reg?

Anyway it's funny what one can do when there IS nothing left to do but stare at the computer screen. Let me see.... I checked my email, sorted the trash, YMed Nick (ranting, raving and generally venting out my pent up frustrations)...YMed some more... SERIOUSLY considered having Nick kidnap me for a McDo run but decided against it...and then... OMG! Logged-in! It's amazing! Wait another twenty minutes...OH LOOK! ONE CLASS DOWN!....watched the first VCD of Marie Antoinette, TWO DOWN!.......popped in the second VCD, stare at the screen... after thirty mins. Nick comes back (we YM again... I'm slightly more calm now and wishing I could bite from his cheeseburger)...OH NO! CLASS FULL (fudge!).... go back..pick another class....wait again.... YES! THREE DOWN! (It's midnight by now...).... decide I need a pedicure so I give myself one....wait some more.... I think I'll do my nails too.... FOUR DOWN... Come on, come on.... YM some more.... my baby's the only thing keeping me awake at 2 a.m..... And HE starts cursing AISIS.....makes me laugh and wake up a bit.....FIVE DOWN..... 2:30 now... COME ON......Nick goes off for 15 minutes to work on his abs (yum yum)....he comes back.... I can't believe it's taken this long...I have finals to study for.... SIX DOWN!!! FINALLY! Enlist...assessment...... *yawn*.... it's 3 already.... must...stay awake....YES! DONE! CURSE YOU AISIS AND UBER SLOW SERVERS! And THANK YOU baby for staying up with me all night...mwah! It would have been soooo much harder without you talking to me... Love you. :)

And voila! My schedule:

Category	Advised Subject	Title	Units	Req	Subject Code	Section
C	HI 166	PHILIPPINE HISTORY	3	Y	HI 166	A/B
CPH1	PH 104	FOUNDATIONS OF MORAL VALUE	3	Y	PH 104	D
CTH1	TH 141	A THEOLOGY OF THE CATHOLIC SOCIAL VISION	3	Y	TH 141	K
FE1	LIT 136	CREATIVE WRITING I: FICTION	3	Y	LIT 136	A
M	COM 103	COMMUNICATION THESIS AND DEFENSE	3	Y	COM 103	C
M	PRACTICUM	~	0	Y	-	-
ME7	COM 142	FEATURE WRITING	3	Y	COM 142	A

bella_ingenue @ 2007-05-23T21:42:00

2007-05-23T13:55:37Z

Like every other Atenean Senior I will start off by cursing AISIS and whoever thought up this stupid online reg idea. I'd rather spend 2 hours in the sun than 13 hours staring at my PC screen. So there. I would have liked to say more but I'm just so drained. Damn this day.

Hmm.. in fact the only nice thing about today was Nick coming over. Sigh. At least that made me feel better in between staring at an nonresponsive loading screen.

And oh yes what else... Dak apparently got hacked on WoW so he can't play.. and I just realized today I ran out of load so I can't play either but that's ok since it's finals week and I couldn't care less about what happens in the world. In fact I decided to take a break indefinitely (and I might just quit anyway) because fun as it is it tiring too. I've been losing the will to play so I'm going to go off for a bit and get a few hours of my life back.

Waiting hours upon hours for reg is like going on a self-imposed exile/retreat (whichever, whatever) because I have, since 7 a.m. today , gone to class to take a test (which I sucked at because I was trying to reg instead of study), gone back home, eaten lunch, spent the majority of my afternoon hanging out with my darling bf who came straight over as soon as he heard what a miserable state I was in, taken a bath, eaten dinner, and now I'm STILL waiting and haven't even enlisted yet. Great job AISIS. Nothing was wrong with the previous system anyway they should have not changed it until they were absolutely sure the server could handle the volume of traffic.

So here I am with nothing to do except wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. And wai........zzzzzzz...............

bella_ingenue @ 2007-05-20T13:59:00

2007-05-20T07:21:29Z

May 18, 2007... Ok here I am again trying not to be mushy and googly-eyed again... It feels really weird again because I have someone to call "baby'" and all that jazz. :)

So Nick and I are officially a couple, much to the relief and gloating of many friends (and damn you Miggy for predicting the exact date you weird psychic! :P )

So how do I feel about it really? Happy of course, no doubt about that. Also I guess it's another adventure so I feel more cautious this time.. more cynical even. But if I may quote Lea Salonga "I feel like I'm slipping into a pair of old jeans...they're just so comfy and familiar." Well true, no surprise there, we've been friends for months and see each other every week not to mention the hours upon hours of raiding/ play time on WoW but all that aside hanging out with him just feels so darn right it can't be wrong. Eek I feel myself slipping into storyteller mode. Oh well, indulge me while I tell our story so far. :)

    So ok... October 2006... still a bit bummed and mooning over the past Manong decided to introduce me to his friends who play World of Warcraft (hoping that one of them might get me out of my funk while also getting me into the game which, I freely admit, I REALLY didn't feel like playing coz "eew it's a geek online game!") So there.. when I got to Manila I met the group of friends (hereafter known as Tribo Habagat) and discovered a whole new world (literally) and a great new set of friends. I got into the game with reservations, thinking that I'd play for a few tries then eventually get bored while at the same time (and funnily enough) Nick admitted he really thought "oh it's Dak's cousin, just another girl who we'll see only once then she'll disappear...." Thank God for no love at first sight.
    As time went by, contrary to my previous opinion, I actually got REALLY into the game and surprised them all by being really intense and dedicated about it. And ok fine, having a crush on on of my newfound friends/ fellow players (not Nick) was a good incentive to go around in a virtual world with the hopes of seeing the legendary guild leader himself (you know who you are and yes I know you're laughing). That went on for a few months with all the drama and crazy happenings in between both in real life and in WoW. I may sound like a weirdo but anyone who plays MMOs especially RO (which I have never or will never play TYVM) will agree it's pretty cool (in a geeky way haha!)
    By February 14, 2007, the day I turned 70 (the highest level in the game) I could start really getting into the action and "play with the big boys" as I liked to say. This included getting the gear to be the best possible warlock that I can be and getting ready to raid and go into dungeons with guns blazing. Nick had just started his second 70 (also a warlock) and eventually surpassed me in gear and obviously everything else. This was actually a good thing because now he could take over being "Head Warlock" of the guild and I was just content being second-in-command since I'm not as hard core as he is plus he's got more experience. This was the time we started talking more because I needed advice and guidance from the best of the best (credit also goes to Miggy the blood elf reroller :P) concerning game strategies and such.
    Seems like a WoW story so far right? Well it really is since most of our free time is spent in the game (geeky? who cares I'm having fun!) Anyway while the world was turning and I was asking help in real life with the same people nothing was really going on. I still had a crush on "zee guild master" (he's hot, everyone has a crush on him, that's a fact) and Nick and I were just the two top-geared locks in Tribo Habagat. Gimiks and trips together were abundant (every Tuesday) and we were just one great bunch of crazy people hanging out who happen to play and form the core of one of the oldest guilds in the game. I'm thankful that Nick had no previous interest in me because we got to know each other as friends and were really comfortable with one another as is. Now I know why people say it's best to start out that way.
    Aha...but THEN came the first Tali trip where we all just had uber loads of fun and sun and jumping off a two-storey cliff (ouch my butt). That's when I fondly recall, and I quote Nick, "that's when I started liking you." Me being me (still a littel hung up on zee ozzer guy) and Nick being Nick (he knew I liked the other guy) nothing came of it and we were just doing our usual thing, being warlocks, raiding, killing allies, getting gear and so forth. It was when I started seriously leveling my second character (Gaelican the paladin) that Nick started his warrior and we leveled together.
    At the time I thought it was just for convenience because it's so much easier to complete quests with company than without plus having someone to share the adventure with is just way more fun. It was during the opening weekend of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that I started getting a different vibe. TMNT was supposed to be a movie I was going to watch with Dak/Manong but for some reason he couldn't go that Friday so when I said I was bummed I couldn't watch and Nick said he wanted to watch we just went out and watched! Haha! Living two streets away from each other has its conveniences... :) That was the first time we went out on our own and needless to say people were like "oooh maybe he likes you" and me being me I just brushed it off as a friends thing because at this point Nick and I were (to my mind) just that.
    And the world turns and we just keep on playing... of course by this time tongues were wagging and people were speculating and the wheels in my head were turning and we just kept on leveling. Several more movie invites and chats in WoW got me susupicous until he finally admitted it a few days after we watched Spider Man 3. And voila right? I like you, you like me we're as happy as can be? Not quite... We are forgetting "zee ozzer guy" after all... Although by then it was simmering down into a weird sort of flirty friendship.
    Then in comes the second Tali trip just about a month ago... By then I already knew Nick liked me and certain close friends knew it as well and I quote Affie "soooo we have a new couple to watch eh?" True Affie dear but it wasn't exactly paradise weekend after all. After months of being single and loving life and just having fun it was suddenly stifling to have a guy give you his attention 100% and be your shadow every step of the way. That's how it was in Tali and (to my baby's credit) he did admit he was a little too fast on the attention thing. So like a spooked horse I bolted and told him to forget the whole thing as it just wouldn't work out. Thankfully enough he didn't give up and that's what made me think twice. Anyway as the story goes we got to talking and I decided to give him another chance... plus I let go of all residual feelings for that other guy (we're now just really good crazy friends, the type I can whack on the head and joke about everything) and it's been good ever since. :)
    Now things are just what they will be. We're both experienced enough to not be foolish and promise the stars and the moon and it's great that way because a little bit older and a lot wiser goes a long way. Everything is just as it should be and I'm happy for the way things turned out. :) Although..bad luck for our guildies because now the two premiere locks are always AWOL on a date and they have no raid leader sometimes haha! So kudos to the other real-life couples who play WoW in our guild (Sculie-Muldo, Jem-Adam, Boyx-Girlx...) we're joining their ranks haha! I just couldn't resist that zinger. :D